So I had this weird thought.
What if drugs had opinions? What if they could tell you about how they view the world from their point of view?
Imagine. Oxycontin’s point of view?
Oxycontin: “All I have ever wanted to do is help people. That is why I am here. To ease the pain of people who are suffering. Like really suffering. But who am I to say what ‘Suffering’ is? How many people would have taken their own life if I hadn’t been there? Can you imagine being mad at a nail gun that was used in building the house that a tornado tore down? I am just little old me. You really could be mad at me, in the same way one might be mad at a nail gun used to create someones safe haven. But it wouldn’t make sense. it was the tornado that tore down the safe haven. Sure someone could use a nail gun to do terrible damage. But that wasn’t why it was created was it? Of course it wasn’t. We don’t even have to ask that question. And I wasn’t created to do terrible damage either."
Interviewer: “So applying the train of thinking or metaphor if you will, what is the Tornado?”
Oxycontin: “That is quite an interesting question. I think that, for most people, the tornado varies. I am not so sure that tornado is really the best thing to use as a metaphor in regards to the circumstance that I often find myself in. Tornado’s are sudden. Often coming with little or no notice. I think a proper metaphor to use with me like the frog in a pot of water. If the frog hopped in to the pot of water while it was boiling it would know well enough to hop right back out. But if that frog were to hop into a pot with luke-warm water, that frog might be more inclined to stay a while. Imagine then, slowly turning the heat up? So slowly that the frog isn’t consciously aware of the increasing danger? What would happen?”
Interviewer: “Well eventually the frog would jump out because it would be too hot right?”
Oxycontin: “That would be the rational thing to do. But pain isn’t really rational. It needs to be sudden, abrupt, for the conscious mind to realize the danger. The ability to adapt to the environment is all well and good. And sometimes it is absolutely necessary. But this particular scenario is not so much about adapting to an environment as it is about the comfort of the particular environment.”
Interviewer: “How would boiling to death be about comfort?”
Oxycontin: “Oh don’t misunderstand me. I am just saying that if you were so comfortable that you didn’t realize that you were killing yourself why would you want to do anything different?
Interviewer: “How could you not know that you were killing yourself?”
Oxycontin: “How could you know that you are actually living?”
I have no idea exactly what sparked this strange idea.
Actually I have an idea.
I have heard so many people in the recovery scene and outside it talking about how big pharma does all of this terrible stuff. How they only care about lining their pockets. And you know what? I used the drugs that I used. And not once did I think “DARN THAT BIG PHARMA” or “IF IT WASN’T FOR THOSE CORPRATE DRUG DEALERS!”
I had my own stuff to work through. I have come to the conclusion that regardless of my willingness or desire to "ACCEPT" responsibility it is still my responsibility to work through it. Healing is an inside job. Sometimes that take opening old wounds and clearing out the infection.
Someone once told me something so simple and so profound. "Where you are right now in this moment, physically, mentally, spiritually, is a direct result of all of the choices that you have made up till this moment.
That some person told me that those choices that I have made that I would rather keep in the dark would need to brought into the light of day.
What I have found is that secrets are poison that creates the infection. Although its vapor can be toxic to external victims and the person who holds on to those secrects has to take responsibility and be accountable for the harm caused. That poison causes damage to the container it's held in as well. The high concentration only gets more and more poisonous with time in the dark. The light of day can kill its potency.
I don't mean literal dark and light of day obviously. Although I am a big fan of it.
Another thing that I have found is that when you bring only most of those secrets out into the light of day, letting go of the things that bring us so much guilt and shame by sharing it with someone who is unbiased and non judgmental to our plight, can be so freeing and liberating for a while. And bring so much ease and comfort for a time. But that little bit that we left back in the dark corners of our mind, those things that we don't want anyone to know, they start festering and bubbling that poisonous vapor that starts to pull you back down into the darkest of places. The whisper that inevitably becomes a roar, telling you that your reputation is more important than your peace of mind. If they knew the real you they wouldn't want anything to do with you. Your hatred for yourself is you confort zone. You deserve to feel all of this guilt and shame. Who would you be if you let go of all of the things you use to beat yourself down with?
That's exactly where I have find myself at times. The illusion that I need to protect this version of myself that I have been projecting to the world. The thought "Maybe I am not the "me" that I think I am" constantly jabbing me like a red hot fork. I, at times, get caught up in the play of my own life. Walking past a mirror physically, my body keeps walking by, but my mind lingers, mesmerized, that the body just keeps going.